Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Getting out of war crimes 101

I don’t know why people were surprised, and shocked when they saw the execution video. I mean these things have been going in Iraq for a long time now, with the knowledge of the commanders on the ground, and probably in the White House. I have come across lots of stories from friends about such events. The only difference is that dumb bastard got caught on tape; while others were more discreet in their methods. But hey at least he is not as stupid as that other soldier from Nevada or Arizona who confessed on local radio to killing POW’s. I mean talk about self-incriminating evidence. Obviously, the marines only look for people with an IQ that is struggling to get into positive single digits let alone break into double digits.

Anyway here is my Avoiding War Crimes 101 (your guide to eternal bliss)

If you happen to be a torturer:

Note: What you are about to embark on is against the Geneva Conventions (but since you don’t know where the fuck is Geneva, the assumption is that you probably don’t give a fuck. And No, Geneva is not some kind of biscotti. Look up what is biscotti while you are at it)

1- If you want to torture somebody, make sure you are alone

2- If you are not alone, make sure that everyone in your group participates. So everyone is guilty and can’t open their trap, when their conscious awakens

3- DO NOT TAKE ANY PHOTOS. You are incriminating yourself you dumb bastard. Very BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD at trial time

4- If you are going to blame your superiors, make sure that whatever they told you to do, should be in writing. But since we have established that you are a dumb bastard, you are not likely to ask to cover your ass.

5- If you happen to be female torturer and were caught, get knocked up. It might lead to a more lenient sentence. Although I despair at the thought of what kind of miserable creature are you going to nurture into this world

6- If all fails, do not despair. You will only get nine months in prison, a dishonourable discharge (which means shit), and be feted as war hero for giving it to some ragheads in your hometown.

If you happen to be executing POW’s while in combat:

Note the same cautionary note goes out to you in regards to the Geneva Conventions.

1- If you want to execute a POW, make sure you are alone

2- If you are not alone, make sure you are with some like-minded people. Not very hard to find since most of you are under the impression that you are avenging the death of people in the WTC. (Note: Saudis were the main culprits "your government allies", who committed those crimes. Not a single Iraqi was involved. But WTF, they are all sand niggers to you)

3- DO NOT GET FILMED ON CAMERA. The embeds will screw you, not out of decency or being moralistic about what is right and wrong, but they are making a journalistic scoop out of it. Either way your ass is grass if you get caught

4- Get everything in writing, although I doubt you are smart enough to realise the value of such exercise.

5- Don’t worry, all you are going to get is a slap on the hand, and then back to killing some more ragheads. They really need every fucking tosser to fight, or they might have to introduce the draft(and believe me, they do not want to do that just yet). If you die, to them you are just a hillbilly, redneck loser whom nobody cares about.

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